Law? What law?

You Need A License To Sell Anything (Including Lemonade)
Welcome to modern-day bureaucracy, where, outside of breathing (for now), little gets done without a piece of legal paper allowing you to do so. And, if you love going by the books, this means shutting down everything that is being run without permission, including those adorable corner lemonade stands run by six-year-old kids who charge a nickel a cup. Which has, naturally, happened on several occasions.

Do you know what else happens in this case? The entire town tells the local government to suck it, that’s what. If somebody tries to shut down a kid’s “business” due to not having a license, every adult in a ten-mile radius organizes a mini-revolution that the government simply cannot overcome. Remember, the only thing more powerful than money is a mother’s anger.

Oddly enough, if we started our own lemonade stand and got shut down, nobody would stand up for us. It’s such a curse being grown-up and not cute at all.

Keep X Dollars In Your Register
Anyone who has worked with cash knows this one. To prevent robbers from getting their hands on too much dough, loss prevention commands the drawers be kept at a certain amount at all times. It can be $75, $50, or even $30 if the neighborhood is particularly ornery. If robberies persist, all the money is removed and replaced with a register full of rabid weasels. Great for security, not so good for cashier morale.

Now, ask any busy cashier who deals with multiple transactions a minute, oftentimes with impatient customers who want what they want NOW, and you can see how impossible it is to keep your cash down at all times, or even most times. And never mind the hustle-bustle; what is a worker supposed to do? Get their drawer down to that magic number and then drop any extra money EVERY time? The manager counting the money in the morning would be thrilled to go through 500-1000 envelopes, each containing anywhere from .35 to $1.25 because gum and coffee were popular that day.

Money builds up and gets dropped, several hundred at a time, and nobody suffers for it. Unless they get robbed, of course. Then their fired asses should’ve followed the rules, damn it.

Only Download Music/Games/Movies You Currently Own
Hidden in the fine print of most download sites is the oddball requirement that we only download things that we have already paid for and own. No, it can’t be a game you owned when you were seven and then sold to the kid down the street for twelve cents and a half-chewed pack of lint-covered bubble gum. It must be in your possession at the time you download the electronic version. After 24 hours, you are supposed to erase the download and go back to your physical copy.

If that rule were written in an ancient caveman language that went extinct 15,000 years ago, it would make more sense.  If you own the media, why download it? The point of a download is to get something you don’t have! The rule is a total ass-cover, and the torrent sites know this. They post the rule because they have to, knowing full well nobody downloads Tony Orlando’s Greatest Hits if they already own it. Mainly because nobody downloads or owns Tony Orlando, period.

Don’t Jaywalk
If you’ve never jaywalked before, then you probably haven’t been outside, ever. You jaywalk when you cross the street with no crosswalk, or walk when the light clearly says DON’T WALK. This crime is something you see a hundred people doing every hour on the hour, which would account for officers almost never busting people for it unless it causes a real hassle or the cop feels like being a dick that day.

Jaywalking can be very dangerous, especially when it becomes jayrunning and those nasty ol’ cars don’t see you coming. On the other hand, it’s really convenient for those times when you desperately need to get across the street and doing it the legal way is tens of yards down the road. So we weigh the pros and cons, and we jaywalk. Can you blame us?


Don’t Drive With a Rejected Inspection Sticker
Some states require you to have your car inspected every year for defects. If you fail, the garage pastes a big red sticker on your windshield and you have to get it repaired. But it’s not just a big scarlet R that makes you ashamed to drive to family gatherings because people will talk; safety failures are forbidden from being driven PERIOD, until the issue is resolved.

This begs two questions: one, if you can’t drive it, how are you going to get it to the mechanic for repairs? Magic carpet? Pushing? Asking it nicely to walk itself to the garage? And two, not driving a car is basically impossible in this day and age, unless you live in a big city with decent public transportation. If you don’t, you need your car, unsafe or not. People will drive with that big red tattoo for weeks, sometimes months, simply because there are no other options. Work beckons and, unless their company lets them take a bunch of merchandise home to sell it on the couch, they probably need to commute.

Shower Before Using A Public Pool/Beach
We should all do this. Most of us are quite dirty and disgusting. So to enter a public pool reeking of dirt, sweat and bacteria is fairly wrong. But do you remember to do this more than once every so often? Unless you’re a germaphobe, probably not. After all, you’re going into the water anyway. You’ll get clean there.

Besides, who is there to stop you if you try to enter a pool unshowered? Armed guards with dogs? Definitely not. Bicycle cops with batons? Probably not. Most likely, it’s a lifeguard who’s far more concerned with sharks and thongs than your dirty toes. And once you get into the water, nobody can tell the difference unless they start sniffing around your armpits and nether-regions. Luckily, most lifeguards are not that dedicated, unless you wear a really nice thong.


Employees Wash Hands Before Returning To Work
Public pool, part two. Obviously, any worker should do this, especially if their job involves raw meat or sewage or money which the customer just used to wipe his nose right in front of you. Do some wash up? Of course. Do enough people do it? Definitely not, if all the sick people are to be believed.

The problem is that, in a lot of people’s minds, they need to do their business and get right back to work, because the customer cannot be inconvenienced for even a nanosecond before heads begin to roll. So, unless they literally dump on their own hands, they’re convinced they’re clean enough to handle almost anything, including that juicy bacteria burger you’re about to bite into.


Don’t Read That Book/Magazine/Newspaper If You’re Not Going To Buy It
If you’re reading part or all of any of the above without paying first, you’re technically stealing. Those words are their product. After all, you wouldn’t go into the corner store and eat their candy bars while browsing around, right? Well, maybe you do and, if that’s the case, you didn’t get the idea from us.

Of course, virtually every bookstore will let this slide, as at least a few of these browsers become paying customers (though not enough of them, if the ever-increasing amount of closed book nooks is any bit of evidence). Even stores and supermarkets will allow this, not wanting to lose even one potential customer to the competition. If the customer is a long-time regular, they can basically paw through all the newspapers and magazines they want, and nobody blinks an eye. Well, nobody save the idealistic rookie who doesn’t yet know what rules are made to be broken. But other people will beat that info into him real fast, don’t you worry.

Only Use The Left Lane To Pass
You know the “fast lane”? The one where you pretend you’re a NASCAR champion for a minute? The one where you can go 80 and not get ticketed like those dummies that do 80 in other “slow” lanes? Well, doing that makes you a dirty criminal. The “fast lane” is actually a “passing lane.” You’re allowed to speed to pass somebody, but that’s it. Once you pass the person, you must go back to the middle or right lanes or risk getting pulled over.

Except that’s obviously horse-dookie. How many people drive fast in the left lane for long periods of time? A lot. How often have you done so? Vegas odds point to, once again, a lot. Every so often, a bored cop working a late shift will bust a left-lane driver, but not because they’re cracking down on offenders. They just have a ticket quota to fill and, besides, pulling people over is a great way to stay awake once the coffee stops working.

No Home Gambling
You know that basement game of Texas Hold ‘Em you and your frat buddies held for ten bucks a pop last Thursday? Hang your head in shame, because that makes you a dirty evil bastard. In most places, any kind of home game, save for ones where no money is on the line and the poker chips are actually potato chips, is illegal. Why? Because, outside of casinos, gambling is just plain against the law. And unlike your ex, size doesn’t matter to the law.

Of course, most officers are too busy to crack down on every four-player game held in every dorm on the planet so, unless complaints are piling up and they have to investigate, this law doesn’t get enforced. So feel free to gamble with your buddies next Thursday night; just keep in mind that it just takes one jackass cop with an attitude issue and you’re SOL.


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