My wife insists that I accompany her when she goes to the mall or supermarket. Like most women, she spends hours shopping. Unfortunately, like most men, I think that shopping is boring, so I have to find out ways to kill time.

Result: yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from Walmart:

“Dear Madam,

During the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We can no longer tolerate his behavior. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and have been documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s shopping carts while they were not paying attention.

2. July 02: He set all the alarm clocks in the appliances department to ring at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 07: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor of the store leading to the ladies room.

4. July 19: He walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Kitchen & Dining. Get to it right now.” This made her to abandon her post and she was reprimanded by the manager, which resulted in a serious incident with the union.

5. August 14: He moved the warning “Caution – Wet Floor” sign to a carpeted area.

6. August 15: he told children that they could play in the sports section and set up tents and take pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

7. August 23: When a clerk asked if he needed any help, he began to cry and shouted, “Why can’t you leave me alone?” 911 was called.

8. September 04: He used one of our security cameras as a mirror to pick his nose.

9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where he could get anti-depressants.

10. October 03: He suspiciously walked around the store while loudly humming the theme from “Mission Impossible”.

11. October 06: In the auto department, he was caught impersonating Madonna singing “Open your Heart” by using different sizes of oil funnels.

12. October 18: He hid behind a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled: “You found me, you found me!”

13. October 21: Each time there was a notice through the store’s sound system, he lay on the floor in a fetal position and screamed: “Oh no, those voices again!”

And finally:

14. November 10: He went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a moment and then shouted: “Hey, there’s no toilet paper here.” One of our attendants passed out.

Therefore, we must, as of this date, ban your husband from our store.

Despite this drawback, we reiterate our invitation so that you can continue taking advantage of our low prices and variety of products. … Alone!

Best Regards

Walmart